Loving catalyst - Wounded healer - Temptress of rebellion - Radical dreamer
How ever does one sum up pieces and experiences of their life, that have shaped the kind of person they have ultimately equated to be. subtracting out bits in between to a more digestible length?
I am a multifaceted woman.
I have been many names and have worn many masks.
Some placed over me by others, and some I have lovingly adorned over tattered parts too tender to be left bare.
Bad seed. Lonely. Broken. Black sheep.
Lost in the depths of my numbness, i had allowed them to swallow me whole.
So much placed belief in what i was “supposed” to be, that i faded away into the expectations of patriarchal bullshit and trauma.
Disappearing into waves of nothingness.
At one of my deepest trenches, i questioned - why?
Why am i here?
Why does it feel like life is just out of reach. Like i can never seem to get to a place of comfort.
Why does my life lack vibrancy and love?
A voice awoke inside. I have been following that voice ever since.
You have that voice in you. The voice of truth.
We have become so deeply conditioned to believe we are less that we are.
Thank you trauma, you beautifully ugly transmuting alchemical bitch.
All of my life, i have felt a calling. A deeply engrained connection and need to be surrounded by beauty.
just as the ever unfolding love for change and transmutation.
Lost. Lonely. Black sheep. Bad seed.
Ive worn many masks. Ive been many faces. Ive been many names.
These and many other labels placed over my existence, wounding me into irreparable tarnishing. Unsure of my reason for existence. What was the point? Why am i here? Shame and destruction coupled with layers of trauma was no stranger under my roof. Always be looking for an escape. Numbing myself with experiences and people that created disconnection to myself. My fragile parts hidden by a shield of smiles and laughter, always looking for a place to call home.
This led me to except any kind of love that came in most often like a wrecking ball. Damage and destruction was no stranger.
Loving catalyst - Wounded healer - Temptress of rebellion - Radical dreamer
I am a multifaceted woman, just as the ever unfolding of my divine love for change and transmutation.
rreparable tarnishing.
I awoke to a voice inside myself that said - It is time to choose change. It is time to be so radically myself. To be a walking permission slip to embrace and express. Setting aside fear and welcoming in possibility. opportunity. love that i had never known. My true home.
My path, full of obstacles, placed by myself and experiences that morphed and changed every aspect of who i thought i was. cracks that led to portals within myself. I began to move towards myself with conscious and deliberate movement. my experience of my own programming led to the slamming shut of my desires, my needs, and ultimately my expression. My magick had been smothered by my own weighted expectations.
Alicia has always felt called to help people, and had a passion for making people feel beautiful. It started out with Cosmetology school, and then into the beauty industry she went. Cuts, styles, blowouts, the works. Then off to the education department, hoping to make an impact in a different way. Along the way i started to notice how unbeautiful the beauty industry really was. There wasnt much space the real you to come into play, and i realized how fake everything really was. So much masking to a pretty package.
I often read other Bios and they are written as if someone else is peering into the life lived by someone. Not often coming from the point of view of the person the actual biography is about. When it came time for me to write this, it felt true and real for me to write it from the point of view of myself. I mean, i am the one telling my story. my direct experience.
Cosmetologist turned Tempress of Rebellion. What a transition it has been. A messy, tense, soul wrenching transition. Anyways, let get to the about me :)
Change has always been one constant friend in my life. No matter where i was, i knew that it was not far behind, moments away from changing my enviornment, friends, family, you name it. Something that has stuck around through all of my changing tides has been the consistent need to be surrounded by beauty. From the time i was a little girl i was so drawn in by it. I was always braiding my Barbie’s hair - of course i wanted my bestie to have beautiful hair - she was my only friend for a long time. Playing with hair and experimenting with makeup. That love grew through out my childhood years, but the meaning behind it was evolving, just as i was. Looking back at old pictures growing up, and the memories that i can remember - the makeup turned into a mask. A facade that hid behind, to hide my pain, to protect fragile parts of me that had been broken and scattered along my path of life. The playfulness of the looks and colors turned to cement and paint that i applied to cover what i was really going through, but i had no idea.
I continued on the path to become a cosmetologist. I enrolled in Beauty school when i was in highschool. It was a safe place. Somewhere i could forget about my surroundings, the closest place to home i had ever felt. But now, instead if just playfully constructing my mask, i was learning to wear it as a professional. Contorting myself, only accepting perfection in how i appeared - because no one was to know what lived inside. How the walls didnt match the siding. How the roof appeared to be in great standing shape on the outside - the ceilings leaked everynight, creating catastrophic floods in my inner terrain. Floods that i dammed. Floods that had weathered down nooks and pieces that i didnt know even existed. Slowly washing away who i was. Then eventually the flooding caused bursts. The walls no longer able to hold the amount of corrosion that had taken place. Holes formed and thats when i could no longer withstand what i was carrying.
Rebellion has always been apart of me. I grew up in a family where it was known that i was the black sheep, the bad seed, the one always stirring the pot. But in really, i was searching for answers, a home that didnt exist in the outside world. i was deeply yearning for love. Love wasnt a visible “thing” to me. The idea of love was often a conditioned and programmed thing that i was meant to obtain. Do this or you wont be loved. You look like a whore, who is going to love you? You did this and now you think a man will ever want you?
Im here to tell you ladies, you dont live for whatever Prince has been concocted in the dreams that have been slammed in your face. You live for you.
At a younger age i often felt that the story i was living was not my own. I often wondered what my purpose was. Who am i? What am i here for? Overtime those questions weighed heavier and heavier on my shoulders. I never felt i was in the right place at the right time, as if i had always walked into the wrong doorways. One thing that
Change has been one constant in my life. Always coming, always going.